Scattered Pieces of Self

Shapes

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 04:57:33 GMT

Sometimes I think my life just goes in circles. I hate circles. What I wanted then, I am finally getting. And if it had been then it would have been enough. But its not then, its now, and its not enough. I hate circles and yet I keep making them. I've tried to break the cycle, and then chosen a new circle. I hate my need to draw circles and circles. I need a change. If not a straight line, maybe a square. May get sick of that too but a square may help lead my away from yet another circle. Le sigh.

Rambling over.

Much love to those who matter. You know who you are.

Long time, need music

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 06:39:02 GMT

Its been a long time. I am posting again. yah! Undecided on the band The Flobots, but really dig the song.

Lyrics:
I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all grilled leavin lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 18:13:53 GMT

i have internet again.. yeah me.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 06:07:50 GMT

my little bird walked this evening. it was so great. she only took four or five steps, but it was so exciting. for me, at least. shes so cute. and im so proud of her. we are going to try to get her to do it again tomorrow so we can get it on her videotape. each of the kids have their own videotape.. cute things they did, big steps in their life. i think im going to use that in order to fill out the gaps in their babybooks. i have all sorts of scrapbooking ideas for them too. i havent done that in awhile, its numbingly normal but fun. the memories make it fun, i think.. not a terrible slight hobby thingie..

i have to get her pic made. im such a bad mom, i havent had pics of her made since well she was born. they are so overdue. we havent had her party yet either. with it being on xmas, i decided to wait, but things fell through, and now we are still waiting. i hope its not officially to late.

stayed home tonite.. had a good evening in spite of myself.. it was calm and thats unusual, but appreciated. now i just need to work on seeing people. either by getting out, or getting my own place, god willing, and have people visit me. the latter is more likely.

le sigh. much love to all who deserve it. you know who you are.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 05:28:39 GMT

You ever feel like you just want everyone to shut up and listen to pay attention to whatever it is you have to say. and your ready to shout just to be heard. but then you go and open your mouth and nothing happens. no words, no sound, and despite your best efforts nothing happens. nothing spills out. yeah, today is like that.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 18:14:41 GMT

So, its officially a reoccuring dream...

I need to look into the meanings of dreams, I suppose. This one means something. The imagery is very distinct, the details immense, and the characters in the dream know they have been through this before, so it changes slightly each time, but they dont remember how it played out the last time. I cant help but think that it means something. I've never really been sure if our dreams are trying to tell us something or if they are just your imagination playing out. I still don't know if i know the answer to that, but.. i think this one means something.

a very late letter

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 05:54:06 GMT

so i feel i owe this one an explanation.. and that is that i am just now checking and responding to my emails. this is just one of the many things that i got and tried, and well its almost too..close and yet, well... nevermind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at christine's Office party. It was david who spiked the punch with too much medori melon. I can't help it if I drank 26 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like honeysuckle.

I thought it was funny when I put glenn's tanktop on my head and danced the disco on the sofa while singing `peaches'. I didn't mean to break christine's ipod and don't know why christine would accuse me of murder.

I don't remember calling adam's wife a chipper goat---even though she looked like one with grey eye shadow and blue lipstick!

And when I threw up on sarah's husband's neck, it was only because I ate too much of that ice cream.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my car through my neighbor's kitchen. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a curious hummingbird and have me arrested for kidnapping!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all cute and eager. And I'm really not to blame for any of this irridescent stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and cleverly yours,
nisey (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 26 bucks!

go me..

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 05:40:05 GMT

yah, i got the job. i officially work in a pharmacy. i get to do orientation and cbl's tomorrow. after that i don't know what my week looks like. i know i work days as of next week.

im all happy and stuff.

hmmm..

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 05:20:01 GMT

You fit in with:
Humanism

Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live. Humanists do not generally believe in an afterlife, and therefore, are committed to making the world a better place for themselves and future generations.

20% scientific.
40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

stream of consciousness..

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 05:47:04 GMT

i am sad. maybe just feeling sorry for myself. i am lonely too. i miss things. people. sounds. smells. touches. feelings. happy moments. content silence. i made the wrong choices, i suppose. or maybe the right choices, but for the wrong reasons. something like that. what i would have given for things to go the way i expected. for promises to be kept, fullfilled. for things to be fruitful and healthy. not stagnant.

i wish i knew how to be happy. or what happiness is. maybe i never have been. maybe i am broken. i feel broken. useless. incomplete. i know what i need to fill the gap inside of me. ive been searching for a long time. still am.

sleep. i need sleep. i am good at that. not so many others things. sleep. yes, sleep.

Dedicated to those of True Friendship:

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 04:34:03 GMT

My Series of Promises I pledge to make to those who are loved me. They have granted me the same exchange and for that alone I would always be thankful (listen to me being all mushy..)

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got some.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.

Thank you momma d, lysander, rooney, crikket, the imp, leopard, skinscrape, twi, lion, silver braids, budda, doom, and especially you indigo. i will always have my moments of nostalgia and my secret smiles because of you guys. i hope i have offered you all as much joy both in the past and present (and maybe even future.. ) as you have for me.

vale!

p.s there are some i did not mention up there. and some maybe i gave more credit than due.. but i have had good times with soo many that if i didn't mention you does not mean ure loved anyless.

unless that is that i dont love you at all.. but if ure reading this under the context of friendship i wouldnt worry too much.

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 02:45:09 GMT

so i still havent gotten to see charlie and the chocolate factory. ive dreamed about it, but havent made it yet. i waited a yr for it to come out.. i can wait another week rite. on a funnier note, i was with a friend of mine in wallyworld and i was considering trying the purple hostess cupcakes, you know the one with johnny depp as willy wonka on teh box. so i am sitting there debating it, and they asked me if i would buy it, knowing its not a great price, if johnny depp wasnt on the cover. so im going 'well i wonder if they taste any different..' to which i got the reply 'you, know, just because it has johnny depp on the box, doesn't mean they taste like johnny depp..." haha, it was a funny moment. but, if only...

working again. it feels so good. making good tips. doing well at the pharmacy on my externment site, which im doing as well.
staying really busy, which has its fallbacks, like the fact that i miss my kids. i am so afraid of missing a first from my little bird.

gots to finish working on pics of them, i have sooo many request for pics. i need to get a set professionally done too. maybe with some of my tip money, if i ever get a day off.. need to get some serious bills paid, get back to the library, and lots of other fun stuff.

i miss my friends, i miss momma, and i miss stene. but hopefully everything will work itself out for the best

much love to all who matter.. you know who you are.

vale!

just a suggestion.

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 05:52:35 GMT

i realize the cast might be different, but its a idea..

i need a good game, and sorry to tell you dear doom but i think ure stuck with me. hope ure well though.

Dungeons and Dragons Adventure!
LiveJournal Username
What is your base race?
What is your base class?
What is your alignment?
What level are you?
What is your character name?
Who's your Dungeon Master?
How many D&D books do you currently own?
What are you?

The Crazy Barbarian:	indigo_owl
The Holy Cleric:	alnair1
The Wandering Monk:	indigo_owl
The Sturdy Fighter:	jackssociopathy
The Frail Wizard:	rooneymcbromill
The Stealthy Rogue:	thelittleimp
The Wonderful Bard:	memphisdancer
The Chaotic Sorcerer:	gareth_sm


This Fun Quiz created by Jared at BlogQuiz.Net

Free Daily Horoscopes at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

its a pirates life for me?

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 05:10:10 GMT

Your LiveJournal Pirate Crew
LiveJournal Username
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest!
Cutlass or pistol?
What is the name of your pirate ship?
Where is your secret pirate base?
What kind of loot do you prefer?
What do you and your crew prefer to be called?
Parrot or monkey?
Argh!

Your capable first mate	languidlion
Your bumbling cabin boy with a heart of gold	skinscrape
The aloof, yet honorable, pirate with a mysterious past	thelittleimp
Is always the first one into the fray	indigo_owl
Is the naval officer who ruthlessly pursues your ship	memphisdancer
Is the comical pirate who is always drunk on grog	jackssociopathy
Is currently in Davy Jones's locker	gnitsaf
The amount of money you make as a pirate	$60,124


This Fun Quiz created by Lynn at BlogQuiz.Net

Libra Horoscope at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 02:24:45 GMT

it seems all i want to do is something carthatic.. maybe scream.

somehow i knew i was blue...

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 05:07:00 GMT

you are darkslateblue
#483D8B

Your dominant hue is blue, making you a good friend who people love and trust. You're good in social situations and want to fit in. Just be careful not to compromise who you are to make them happy.

Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it.

Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

righteo then..

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 03:03:43 GMT

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Jaded childe's Lurgy
Cause:	pollen
Symptoms:	glowing, polka-dot skin, extreme arm pain
Cure:	wake up and realise it was all just a dream
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Crysallismoth's Disease
Cause:	unknown
Symptoms:	embarrassing noises, imperceptibly pointy ears, occasional suicidal thoughts, enlarged liver and spleen
Cure:	drink lots of water
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Thu, 19 May 2005 03:47:15 GMT

i just got the car and its gone. i fell asleep at the wheel. i am so tired. it has been a bad day. i made everything worse. i was trying to make things, at least something, better. i failed. i should have let them check me but i have no insurance. i can not afford it. i will face all of my messes again tomorrow. i am a mess. i am a failure. i am so many things i do not want to be. i need my car. i want more outta life. i need things to get things. i suck at this. i hurt from both old and new damages combined. i am going to sleep now. i dont want to face this day any longer.

i need all the good karma i can get!

Mon, 16 May 2005 12:05:28 GMT

So apparently my plan for the next lil span is that today somehow someway i will have a job. There are so many restarants hiring, which is great if you make ure money serving. And next week my pharm externship starts.. so i have a whole 160 hrs to complete there. Gosh i am excited and nervous all at the same time. At the same time, I have my two lovely babes that need attention, the counseling Asparagus had decided he wants to do to stay togehter, moving, and somewhere in that, im going to have to sleep.

I hate bothering people, but i will take any and all assistance available for the next two months. And most importantly i need some luck. I think i can do it, though. One of my few strenghts is that i pull through.. yeah or something like that.

Also, i really need to get to Indigo's.I need time with her. I have food discoveries for her. I need the outlook only my girl can give, bitchiness and all. And i am hoping my nerds are still there. We havent done our chocolate chip cookie day as of yet. The candy thing is probaly a hope against hope.

Oh yeah on that note, apparently gobstoppers can be dangerous to the jaw if bitten after leaving in the sun. Those layers have different melting points making pressure dangerous. They can explode and then burn the skin, ick huh. But only if hot. Still as a mom, its certainly something good to know.

Oh so there is bill in the state legislature that may require parents to be active in the school, by at least eight hours. I think its sad that the state is now trying to legislate parenthood, at the same time, i dont think its a terrible thing to make people do what they are supposed to if they want to claim to be a parent. i would move the world for my kids if i can. but at the same time its something to be said when our gov. has to come in and get involved here. And then you gotta wonder if the gov. needs to step back too. Don't listen to me, i am rambling. But its 7 am, what more can be expected?

Vale!

i love rock and roll and all that is amusing...

Wed, 11 May 2005 15:23:25 GMT

In 1982 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US

The space shuttle Columbia completes its first operational flight

Actor John Belushi is found dead of a drug overdose in a West Hollywood hotel

Automobile manufacturer John Delorean is arrested and charged with possession of 59 pounds of cocaine

The first artificial heart is implanted in American Barney Clark

The Cable News Network, or CNN, is launched

750,000 people rally against nuclear weapons in New York City's Central Park

Time Magazine's Man of the Year was for the first time given to a non-human, a computer

The first computer virus, written by Rich Skrenta, escapes into the wild

Kirsten Dunst and Elisha Cuthbert are born

St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series

San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XVI

New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is the top grossing film

Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off of a live bat thrown at him during a performance, later hospitalized with rabies

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Cheers, Family Ties, Silver Spoons, and Fame premiere

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

lots of drugs and controversies begin, oy it figures.

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 23:53:36 GMT

i quit. im exhausted. im tired of the fight and wont do it anymore. it is not worth this..

maybe the female version

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 05:57:28 GMT

Which Family Guy character are you?

You may consider that stolen..

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:48:45 GMT

sorry indigo.. its too cute.. i had too steal it

Ask me five (5) questions. No more, no less. Five (5) shalt be the number thou shalt ask, and the number thou shalt ask shalt be five (5). Six (6) shalt thou not ask, nor either ask thou four (4), excepting that thou then proceed to five (5)... et cetera, so forth. [i'm in a silly mood]

You can ask me anything you wish, but be creative please. I'll answer truthfully, but reserve the right not to answer certain questions if I so choose. If I choose not to answer your question, feel free to submit another one in it's stead.

Let the questioning commence.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 23:17:09 GMT

i think that if he really wants a healthy relationship with me, and if he really wants to stay together, maybe along with holding a job, he should try treating me with some respect or at least recognizing that i might have feelings, and becuase of that it makes me vulnerable if he needs someone to kick. i think he should be able to handle both, i do not think that is asking too much, and if it turns out to be, i don't see us staying togehter.

Vale!

Beloved and not forgotten

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 03:37:29 GMT

So this afternoon i went by the cemetery and took three roses to master rex. one for each year.. each year he should be here, being a toddler, getting into things. there was a bday balloon there and you could tell lauren and brian had already been there. for two and a half years (since his funeral) i never went there. i usually dont go visit gravesites, not of scott or anyone else, theres still self-deniability of the reality of a tombstone if you dont go. But after lana died ive been up there more than i can count on one hand, and more for rex than lana. i suppose that makes me a terrible person. its not that she is less of a loss, but she didnt touch my life or the majoriy of the rest of my peer group the way rex did. i always cry when i visit and yet i always feel grateful, and usually all i want to do is hold my kids after being there. i am grateful, i cant imagine lauren and brians pain, i dont want to, but even trying to imagine it is too much. and yet as lucky as i am to have my bullfrog and my bird, i do think that lauren deserved kids more than i do.. its so unfair. life is unfair, but this seems wrong, truly an injustice of a harsh world. i am getting a flag to put by his grave w/ the pic brian described to me and asparagus when he described what he wanted on the tombstone.. it will have a pic of a bear in a sailor suit sitting on an anchor.

While i was there, along with visiting rex and lana, i left two roses on almost an unmarked grave in babyland. towards the back of the site there is a area twice as big as any other of the resting areas with a basic tombstone in one corner of it. donna, one of the funeral homes directors, told genni its for a set of twins. the one with the tombstone died the day after its birth, the other 4 months later. apparently the grandmother bought the first tombstone. but the other baby lays unmarked. their site is barren. its sad, and it seems someone should care.. it may be an assumption but that is how it seems. i may be wrong, i dont know, but i care. ive never met these people and i dont know these babes, but i do care.

its been a sad day. im going to lie down with my son and watch him fall asleep and be thankful for my blessings.

Rex Ellis Dalton McMurray
April 16, 2002 -- August 2, 2002

Vale!