Its been a long time. I am posting again. yah! Undecided on the band The Flobots, but really dig the song.




Lyrics:
I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all grilled leavin lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

i have internet again.. yeah me.

so sometimes, however good, bad, or painful, i find that i cannot help but wondering where the paths not taken may have lead me. i truthfully do think that if he had let me go, if he would have given me an ok to hold a grudge or hate him, i could have. kinda funny, huh. i had to have his permission to hate him and i didnt have that; i couldn't hold ill will either. and despite the fact that i am happy where things are right now-- i cant help but wonder.

this has to work. i don't know if my heart will take it if it doesnt. i am terrified he will hurt me yet again. i am afraid he will never let me go if is does. i am afraid that if things go bad, i will always feel those horrible feelings, because i can't hate him, and he have never loved me enough to spare me that hurt-- to let me go.

that is my fear. and yet i am happy rite now. truly happy. or as happy as i know to be. maybe its really more content. now i just need to trust him, so maybe i can have peace. i dont regret my path, i just fear finding no ground under me.





"Hate Me" by Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

my little bird walked this evening. it was so great. she only took four or five steps, but it was so exciting. for me, at least. shes so cute. and im so proud of her. we are going to try to get her to do it again tomorrow so we can get it on her videotape. each of the kids have their own videotape.. cute things they did, big steps in their life. i think im going to use that in order to fill out the gaps in their babybooks. i have all sorts of scrapbooking ideas for them too. i havent done that in awhile, its numbingly normal but fun. the memories make it fun, i think.. not a terrible slight hobby thingie..

i have to get her pic made. im such a bad mom, i havent had pics of her made since well she was born. they are so overdue. we havent had her party yet either. with it being on xmas, i decided to wait, but things fell through, and now we are still waiting. i hope its not officially to late.

stayed home tonite.. had a good evening in spite of myself.. it was calm and thats unusual, but appreciated. now i just need to work on seeing people. either by getting out, or getting my own place, god willing, and have people visit me. the latter is more likely.

le sigh. much love to all who deserve it. you know who you are.

You ever feel like you just want everyone to shut up and listen to pay attention to whatever it is you have to say. and your ready to shout just to be heard. but then you go and open your mouth and nothing happens. no words, no sound, and despite your best efforts nothing happens. nothing spills out. yeah, today is like that.

So, its officially a reoccuring dream...

I need to look into the meanings of dreams, I suppose. This one means something. The imagery is very distinct, the details immense, and the characters in the dream know they have been through this before, so it changes slightly each time, but they dont remember how it played out the last time. I cant help but think that it means something. I've never really been sure if our dreams are trying to tell us something or if they are just your imagination playing out. I still don't know if i know the answer to that, but.. i think this one means something.

so i feel i owe this one an explanation.. and that is that i am just now checking and responding to my emails. this is just one of the many things that i got and tried, and well its almost too..close and yet, well... nevermind.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at christine's Office party. It was david who spiked the punch with too much medori melon. I can't help it if I drank 26 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like honeysuckle.

I thought it was funny when I put glenn's tanktop on my head and danced the disco on the sofa while singing `peaches'. I didn't mean to break christine's ipod and don't know why christine would accuse me of murder.

I don't remember calling adam's wife a chipper goat---even though she looked like one with grey eye shadow and blue lipstick!

And when I threw up on sarah's husband's neck, it was only because I ate too much of that ice cream.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my car through my neighbor's kitchen. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a curious hummingbird and have me arrested for kidnapping!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all cute and eager. And I'm really not to blame for any of this irridescent stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and cleverly yours,
nisey (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 26 bucks!

yah, i got the job. i officially work in a pharmacy. i get to do orientation and cbl's tomorrow. after that i don't know what my week looks like. i know i work days as of next week.

im all happy and stuff.

I am so sick of people and their opinions.. I want the golden rule applied, and for certain people to back off and stay out of crap they never belonged in from the beginning. Especially when you feel the need to inspect and make comments on my issues. And especially when theyve never had to walk in my boots before.

i am sad. maybe just feeling sorry for myself. i am lonely too. i miss things. people. sounds. smells. touches. feelings. happy moments. content silence. i made the wrong choices, i suppose. or maybe the right choices, but for the wrong reasons. something like that. what i would have given for things to go the way i expected. for promises to be kept, fullfilled. for things to be fruitful and healthy. not stagnant.

i wish i knew how to be happy. or what happiness is. maybe i never have been. maybe i am broken. i feel broken. useless. incomplete. i know what i need to fill the gap inside of me. ive been searching for a long time. still am.

sleep. i need sleep. i am good at that. not so many others things. sleep. yes, sleep.

My Series of Promises I pledge to make to those who are loved me. They have granted me the same exchange and for that alone I would always be thankful (listen to me being all mushy..)



1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got some.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.


Thank you momma d, lysander, rooney, crikket, the imp, leopard, skinscrape, twi, lion, silver braids, budda, doom, and especially you indigo. i will always have my moments of nostalgia and my secret smiles because of you guys. i hope i have offered you all as much joy both in the past and present (and maybe even future.. ) as you have for me.

vale!

p.s there are some i did not mention up there. and some maybe i gave more credit than due.. but i have had good times with soo many that if i didn't mention you does not mean ure loved anyless.

unless that is that i dont love you at all.. but if ure reading this under the context of friendship i wouldnt worry too much.

so i still havent gotten to see charlie and the chocolate factory. ive dreamed about it, but havent made it yet. i waited a yr for it to come out.. i can wait another week rite. on a funnier note, i was with a friend of mine in wallyworld and i was considering trying the purple hostess cupcakes, you know the one with johnny depp as willy wonka on teh box. so i am sitting there debating it, and they asked me if i would buy it, knowing its not a great price, if johnny depp wasnt on the cover. so im going 'well i wonder if they taste any different..' to which i got the reply 'you, know, just because it has johnny depp on the box, doesn't mean they taste like johnny depp..." haha, it was a funny moment. but, if only...

working again. it feels so good. making good tips. doing well at the pharmacy on my externment site, which im doing as well.
staying really busy, which has its fallbacks, like the fact that i miss my kids. i am so afraid of missing a first from my little bird.

gots to finish working on pics of them, i have sooo many request for pics. i need to get a set professionally done too. maybe with some of my tip money, if i ever get a day off.. need to get some serious bills paid, get back to the library, and lots of other fun stuff.

i miss my friends, i miss momma, and i miss stene. but hopefully everything will work itself out for the best

much love to all who matter.. you know who you are.


vale!

i realize the cast might be different, but its a idea..

i need a good game, and sorry to tell you dear doom but i think ure stuck with me. hope ure well though.

i stole this from skinscrape..

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your Livejournal and see what I say about you?

it seems all i want to do is something carthatic.. maybe scream.

so i have officially hit rock bottom i think. i hope. it can not get any worse if its the bottom, right? despite having lost my car, not being able to afford anything, not having insurance, all the usual complaints someone my age has, i know have a judgement against me, am broker tahn broke, can barely afford my own children, and if things do get worse might get arrested for problems i didnt create, yet i have to take my share of blame in none-the-less.

i need help, time with friends so that i can focus and not get too bummed out (at least stene) either with or without kids present, a fundraiser, and hope.

all while my husband person is in another state not dealing with any of this. fun, fun.

sigh.